


I Tried

by OndoriNaramaki



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Bribery, Cable having to deal with him, Food abominations, Forever 21, Future lingo, Gen, I add tags as i go, I fucking love this movie, I love Cable, M/M, McDonald's, McDonald's breakfast, Sassy cashier, Subway, Thrift Shopping, Uber, Wade Being Wade, Wade is strong, crazy Uber driver, creepy cashier, i know i do, i love wade, lobster bib, you know you love it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-05-19 01:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14863949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OndoriNaramaki/pseuds/OndoriNaramaki
Summary: Wade has noticed that Cable's been looking more and more beat as the days pass by, but whenever he asks him what shit in his cereal Cable just says he's fine. Wade's not buying it for a second and he plans on getting to the bottom of it, even if that means taking him to the stinky, smelly, flee infested animal prison they call a zoo.





	1. Mickey D's

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I've been working on like 5 different Deadpool fics because plot bunnies keep breeding in my head, but I finally forced myself to work on one of them long enough to get a chapter out! Anyway I hope you enjoy!
> 
> P.S. Wasn't Deadpool 2 one of the best films ever made? It's top 3 for me (right behind Iron Man 1 and Zootopia).

After Rustle had been saved from turning evil and the balding pedophile had been summarily (and bloodily) dealt with, the awesome group of saviors had chatted for a little while and then gone their separate ways, Domino making sure all the kids—including the pyromancer—were being well taken care of, and then Wade invited Cable out for drinks. 

Reason for that being because he wanted to ask if the future dude would like to move in with him when Wade got a new place to stay—reason for that being because there was no way he was bunking with the X-Losers any longer than necessary, and it probably wasn't a good idea for the cyborg to be doing that at _all_ considering he was kind of one of their future kids, or the future kid of one of their _clones_ or some other bullshit—and he should probably have a little foreplay before blurting that out; he had one shot at this and he didn't want to scare the guy off.

**At the bar:**

"Hey, want to move in with me?" Wade asks .2 seconds after they get their drinks. _Shit._

"Sure." Cable replies, grabbing his appletini and taking a swig. 

"Wait what, just like that?"

Cable pauses and eyes him from the side assessingly for a couple seconds before asking "What are your thoughts on mind-reading?" 

"Uh... it's a dick move and a total invasion of privacy; only assholes pull that shit." Wade said and pulled a drag from his Sex on the Beach.

Cable then appears to be deep in contemplation, seeming to stare right into Wade's very _soul_ for about 10 seconds before going back to his drink. "Okay." 

"'Okay' what?"

"Okay, I'll move in with you."

_Fuck yeah_! "Kay cool." Wade tried to downplay his excitement at having the cyborg for a roomie.

-

Wade bought a new house and moved in the very next day (turns out killing for a living can pay extremely well), having stayed at a motel with Cable overnight. Wade did not pass up the opportunity to make a lot of lewd jokes, his favorite being the one where he said to the person at the front desk that he was the bimbo and Cable was the old wealthy businessman (which would've been a lot more convincing had he brought his blonde wig), and Cable—to his credit—didn't really seem to mind, just fell asleep the second he had his guns (his many, _many_ guns [and how the hell did he even have that many? Did he bring a wheelbarrow full of the stuff Back From The Future™ with him or something?]) in order and hit the floor. Who even sleeps on the floor? That bed had plenty room for both of them! Maybe it was a future thing. 

Wade had tried to lift him up onto the bed so the guy could sleep like a normal sane person, but it turns out that all that metal shit on him made Cable extremely heavy, so Wade just dumped all the blankets on the floor and rolled Cable over onto them, then snuggled up beside him and took a selfie before falling asleep too. But not until after sending Domino the picture along with the text #PostCoitalSnuggles.

-

It was probably a good thing Wade woke up first, otherwise he might've had to pay a cleaning surcharge from the blood stain that would no doubt exist from him being stabbed in the torso by a disgruntled Cable. Luckily though, he was still dead to the world by the time Wade decided to get on with his day, the poor old cyborg probably being exhausted from all the happenings of yesterday.

Deciding the poor silver fox deserved as much sleep as he could get, Wade went about calling up a furnishing company to fill the new house he just bought so he wouldn't have to deal with all the indecision of what kind of color theme to go with; he just told them "Surprise me!" And hung up.

Which kind of ruined his plan of letting the time traveler awaken of his own accord since Wade's shout roused the guy from his slumber, who sat up then clutched at his head and groaned. 

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty~"

"What time is it?" Cable asked as he began to inspect his surroundings, noticing the nest of blankets he didn't remember being in last night, then looking over at the bed and squinting as he probably came to the conclusion from its state that it had not been slept it, which would probably bring him to the conclusion that Wade must've-

"Breakfast time! Whatcha in the mood for- oh wait; have you ever had McDonald's breakfast?"

At Cable's look of confusion and raise of a single eyebrow, he practically started vibrating. "Oh my holy unicorn goddess, you have not _**lived**_ until you have gorged on enough of it to make you vomit twice in one sitting. Now c'mon, let's go!"

"No." Cable threw the blanket off his lap.

"What? Why the actual hell not?" Wade cried as Cable stood and started heading towards the bathroom.

"I need to brush my teeth first."

"What the hell? When did you even get a toothbrush? I didn't see any tweets about a cyborg cosplayer paying a visit to a Walgreens in the last 17 hours." _And I would know; I get notifications._

"Brought it with me." Cable said around a mouthful of toothpaste. And when did he get _that_? Wait- oh god, was he one of those weirdos who actually followed the recommended health suggestion things like brush your teeth twice a day, take regular showers, eat your veggies, and don't gargle bleach? Next thing you knew he'd be pulling out-

Just then Wade heard the unmistakable sound of a length of floss being removed from its hand-dandy dispenser, then felt his legs moving towards the white light emanating from the small, tiled room and he poked his head inside to witness the horror with his own eyeballs once he was close enough to grip the doorjamb in a white-knuckled grasp.

-

Mickey D's turned out to be less of a spectacle than Mr. Cancer had been expecting. When Cable actually bit into the monstrosity (McSausage biscuit with egg, cheese, ketchup and an assload of syrup, topped off with salt and pepper, and a couple creamers dumped into it for good measure) Wade'd handed him and didn't even _wince_ , instead mulling the taste over and saying "Not bad." Wade actually felt kind of bad because even he thought that _thing_ he'd given him was disgusting. So before Cable could take a second bite (which the crazy old-timer had actually gone for!) Wade snatched it out of his hands and dumped it in the nearest trash can.

"What did you do that for?" Cable asked in a way that made it seem as if he was wondering if this was some sort of weird custom of the past he didn't know about.

"Made it wrong." Is all Wade offered as he slid the deluxe platter with pre-syrupified pancakes over to the poor, iron-tastebudded bastard. 

Cable raised an eyebrow in response, but didn't question it, electing to instead take a bite of the new food presented to him, and the second said food touched his tongue his eyes widened in shock, and a small gasp that made something stutter in Wade's chest (indigestion? Of the upper torso? Yeah, that's what Wade was going with) escaped his lips. "What is this?" He said as he looked up at Wade with only mostly concealed disbelief.

After being stunned for a couple seconds at that look, Wade shook the dust bunnies out of their little dust bunny houses inside his head and managed to respond with "Well, judging by your BMI, Mr. 2%, something you've probably never had before: pancakes."

Cable grunted a thoughtful hmm, as if committing the name to memory, then went back to eating his platter. 

What kind of stuff did the cyborg have to shove down his throat in the future that he had such a reaction to something as simple as McDonald's pancakes? Granted they are kind of fucking delicious, but not _that_ fucking delicious. Who knew, maybe deep-fried raccoon asshole on a stick was considered a delicacy there, so this just seemed like mother Teresa fucking ambrosia.

By the time Wade dug himself out of the mire his train of thought had plunged itself into, he noticed that Cable had finished the entirety of the platter in a timely manner, Wade having barely touched his, too deep in thought (and wasn't that an odd thing to say) to have made much progress. Dude must've been hungry. Come to think of it, Wade can't remember having seen the time-slider eat since they started working together yesterday, which could help explain why he'd been so exhausted. Because of Wade's healing powers, he didn't need to eat (sure as hell liked to though), but he should've at least asked the guy who saved his life if he was hungry. Now he kind of felt like an asshole. 

"Want mine, Kirby?" Wade asks as he slides a platter across the table for a second time. 

"Why?" Cable asks when he looks up from inspecting a napkin. Wait, do they not have napkins in the future? #SoManyQuestions. 

"Because I just remembered that I'm not hungry, and it's just going to go to waste otherwise. You don't want me to be adding to the already vast and constantly growing landfills, do you? Kinda thought you stayed here to fix those kinds of things, not exacerbate them."

Cable squints at him slightly and raises a brow, probably wondering how Wade even knew that word (I pursue the dictionary every now and then, thank you very much), before pushing his now empty platter to the side and pulling the new one closer.

Wade pulls out his phone and snaps a quick pic (he always had it on silent just in case he got any random mystery shopping gigs where he had to secretly tattle a store's sloppy displays) of Cable with his fork half-way to his mouth, before downloading an app he never thought he'd need. Then he sent the pic with the caption 'Eating junk with the boo' to Domino since she had replied to his last text with 'pics or it didn't happen.', before going back to the app which had now finished downloading. After a couple minutes of setting it up and making use of it, he switches to Emoji Blitz and almost gets a new high score for the week by the time Cable has managed to finish off his second entire McDeluxe McBreakfast McPlatter and the milk he thought the muscle-bound tank would appreciate. 

Just then he hears "Order number 68!" and looks down to see that it matches the number on his mobile order. 

"Ah shit, so ducking close! One number off!" Wade nearly shouts (frustrated he didn't get the fun number) before looking over at Cable in time to see him stuffing the napkins and utensils into his utility bag *cough* fanny pack *cough* before slinging it back out of his way. _What does he think this is, Fallout_? "What use could you possibly have for those? You planning on stabbing someone with that plastic tined eating thingy?"

"Maybe." Cable replies mysteriously, looking like Wade just gave him a new idea.

Okay, Wade could totally understand the murder 'bot stashing anything that could possibly be used as a weapon, but the napkins? Wasn't that something only millennials did? Le gasp! Was Cable like, a HyperMillennial or something, since he's from the future? 

"Order number 68!"

"Alright alright, I'm coming~" _Geez, they don't even give you 5 minutes to respond. Kinda like me with texting._ He grabs the trash off the table and tosses it into a can on the way to the counter without looking, Cable following right behind him. "At least it was conveniently well-timed." He says before snatching it off the 'order pickup' station and heading towards the exit. 

"Is that for someone else?" Cable asks, rightly confused.

"Nope, it's for me." Wade says before pulling out the hashbrown and digging in. 

"But you said you weren't hungry."

"I lied, I'm starving." He says as he shoves a whole pancake into his mouth, then opens the syrup and drinks some.

Cable just stares at him for several seconds, looking like he's trying real hard to resist something (strangling him, maybe?) before giving up.  
"...Thanks for the pancakes." He grunts out instead.

Wade paused mid-stride, and it was then that he vowed to one day take the robo-babe from the future to IHOP. "Eh, no skin off my dick." He said around a mouth so full of food that it would make a chipmunk jealous, some of which fell out and hit the concrete, Cable stepping away from it with a mildly disgusted look on his face.

-

When they walk back the single block distance it is from McDonald's to their hotel (thank you convenient yet diabolical mega-conglomerate franchise) Wade has finished shoving all the food down his throat, and offers the napkins and utensils he didn't even bother with to Cable, who just squints at him. Wade shrugs and pockets them himself. _Monkey see, monkey do_. Before tossing the bag of trash in a nearby trash can. 

Turns out chugging a whole golden arch logo'd cup full of orange juice #Activated the cancerous one's blatter, so the second they made it up to their room he raced for the bathroom. When he came out he was just in time to see Cable finish massaging his temples while sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What?" Cable asks almost threateningly when he catches Wade staring.

Hmm, he couldn't have been doing it in a show of annoyance because Wade only caught sight of it by chance, so maybe the grizzly old robo-dude had to acclimate to past food and its deliciousness or something. Or maybe his mind was still buffering, trying to process the new, superior flavors (he's still talking McDonald's here, right?). Or perhaps the guy just needed some air. That one was the most convenient option, so that's what Wade was going with! And he had the perfect idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know I made a mistake 2 words into the very first chapter, but I am also going to leave it like that because I think it's hilarious. XP
> 
> Any comments, kudos or theories would be greatly appreciated, and encourage me to actually work on the next chapter, lol.


	2. Having an Uber Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, I was not expecting such an amazing response to my story. Thank you all so much! Especially those who left comments or kudos; I love them like a dragon does treasure~ 
> 
> And your kind words inspired me to tear my fingers away from Emoji Blitz and actually write this chapter, lol. So without further ado, please enjoy!

"It's shopping time!" Wade said in response to Cable's grumpy question. "Get your sweet half-metal ass in gear, because I need to replace my fried wardrobe, and you could probably use some more of your hipster infinity scarves just in case you spill some macchiato frapachino latte with an espresso and wheatgrass shot—plus of course lemon wedge—on yours, right?" _And some baseball tees to accentuate those solid steel grapefruits he keeps inside his biceps. One of which might literally be steel. Or more likely some kind of weird future (gold titanium [hi Ironman!]) alloy thingy. Hmm, maybe I should ask him sometime_.

"I have no idea what the hell you just said." Cable grunts out, expression perplexed.

"That's how you're supposed to feel! Now come on, let's catch an Uber and Paris Hilton it up out there!"

Cable looks like he's thinking it over, before answering. "I'd rather not."

"Oh come on, it's on me, especially since your future money—if you even brought any back with you in your utility batbag—is probably no good here. And besides, we have some time to kill until the new crib is ready. I pray for the souls who have to carry those sofas up to the second floor." _Especially when there isn't one~_ Wade thinks somewhat evily; he gave the poor saps strange instructions just to throw them off.  
_And what is Short Terminator even going to do if left here alone? Be bored and play with his BFG? Not if I have anything to say about it! If he's going to fondle his gun I want to be there to see it~_

Cable then looks like he's having an internal struggle, making the whole thing seem like an ultimatum when it's just fucking _shopping_ , before finally sighing and saying "Fine."

"Awesomesauce! Now I get to introduce you to a little thing called Targét~." Wade trills as he lightly boops Cable's nose, which causes the latter's eyebrow to twitch and a low growling sound to be emitted from his throat. _Aww, he's cute when he's mad~ Like a badger! But the American badger, not the European one. Look it up; you'll see what I mean_. Then—having quickly moved any fingers he wanted to keep, far away from the shorter man's mouth—Wade bounces over to the nightstand and picks up the beer-belly fanny pack he had delivered yesterday. "Thank you, PrimeNow~"

He turns around in time to see Cable pluck a deceptively normal looking pistol out of his gun pile (something Wade very badly wishes to have one day) before holstering it and tying a long-sleeved flannel overshirt around his waist. Wade takes a second to admire how it makes his butt look before marching to the door and throwing it open hard enough to dent the wall despite the rubber door-stopper designed to prevent such a thing. 

Cable glares hard enough that he hopes Wade can feel it through the back of his dense-as-a-nucleus skull as he walks toward the open aperture, slipping a sensor onto the inside of the doorframe to make sure he'll be notified if anyone enters, for security. And he has his guns set to be able to self-detonate remotely. Can't chance anyone making off with his future-tech. 

Wade does his own form of security by hanging a sock on the doorknob. 

"The hell's that for?"

"So the cleaning person will think some hanky-panky is going on and leave our room well alone~" Wade deigns to explain. "Or was it supposed to be a tie? Well, the asshole who wrote this doesn't know, so how the hell am I supposed to?"

Cable isn't even going to ask what 'hanky-panky' means, much less the other shit Wade just spouted.

Wade makes his way out from the overhang of the second level and down the stairs, then turns his head to see that Cable looks like he's going to war as he follows Wade out into the daylight once again. _What's the guy got against shopping? Gasp! Maybe it **is** like War in the future and you have to get there ahead of time because the supplies are limited and you literally have to fight for good deals, maybe knock out a few rival shoppers trying to grab ahold of the only pair of size 12 boots, or fancy donut scarf. They could totally make a movie about that though! They could call it 'Killer Deals' or something. Maybe I should draw up a rough script in crayon and pitch it to someone. _

They skip their way to the curb (well, Wade skips, Cable does his hot Winter Soldier march thing), then just stand there for about a minute, a well-timed tumbleweed passing by, when Cable looks over at Wade in question. "Well?"

"Ah fudgepackers, I still have to download the freakin' app!" Wade practically screams before pulling out his phone, causing someone passing by on their bike to glance over at the sudden noise, then narrowly avoid crashing into a telephone pole. "This'll juuust take a minute. Or 5." He taps a couple things on screen then mumbles "U, b, e, r~"

"Do people do _everything_ on their phones in this time?" Cable questions, remembering how Wade used his phone to order food from the establishment he was literally sitting inside of.

"Everything except for jerking themselves off. And I'm sure there are some exceptions to that as well. #Technophiliacs". Wade says while making the hashtag sign with his fingers along with saying it aloud. _Kinda reminds me of that one guy who's in love with his car... What was the car's name again? Oh yeah, Chase! Ha! That's actually pretty fitting considering that cars are fast. Heh, speaking of being fast I wonder how long Chase can last~ and does the guy make use of the gear shift stick? I pray for anyone who needs to borrow his car for errands (if he ever lets anyone, that is). Hmm, I wonder if I should send him some lubricated condoms to try to make up for those meatheads in the comments section saying they want to destroy his car. Why anyone would want to get in the middle of a beautiful romance between man and car is beyond me._

_Assholes._

"Got it."

"Genericinsultsayswhat?"

"I got the 'Uber', asshole; should be pulling up in 28 seconds." Cable says, looking like he's barely restraining himself from punching Wade in the throat.

"What?! How the hell? Do you have a secret future phone hidden on you where no one will dare look for fear of their limbs being ripped off?" Wade says, making a show of looking Cable over, mostly in any crevices where one could be hiding such a thing.

"No; that's stupid."

Wade figures Cable probably used his fancy awesome robo-eye to hack the internet and do it somehow (which was like the coolest thing ever, btw), but he's not gonna say that, because sometimes it's fun to play dumb. _And if I waits until later for the reveal I can keep staring at him at random times and whenever I gets caught I can just say I'm looking for that future-phone. Maybe even cop a feel if I'm lucky._ "No it isn't. Also, I call shotgun!"

"You're not getting one of my guns. Ever."

"OMGod, 2010s slang must be _so_ out-dated for you. So I must sound like some old geezer who says shit like 'swell' and 'tickle the ivories' and other weird junk that makes people's minds—or at least mine—do a triple backflip right into the gutter.  
"You have slang in the future, right? Why don't you whip out some of your Gen Ampersand lingo? C'mon, do it for poor old out-of-touch-with-the-future-times Wade~"

"May Orion pay you a visit."

"Huh? What does that mean?"

"You don't need to know." Cable says with an infuriatingly mysterious smirk. 

Wade squints his eyes. "You just made that up, didn't you, Pinocchio?

Just then a Porsche pulls up to them, the driver pulling their phone from the holder on the dash and scrutinizing it before looking out the open passenger window to see the two of them. Her phone then clatters to the center console, having slipped from her now non-existent grip, eyes wide and jaw hanging open, frozen like a petrified zombie, just staring at them. 

After several seconds of what looked like sustained horror, Wade decided to move things along. "Um, I think we broke her with our amazing good looks. Great job, Mr. Universe; looks like it's up to me to get us where we want to go now." He jabs Cable in the chest, then pulls his hand back just in time to avoid it being crushed by Cable's robo-hand. "So I'll just finish downloading this useful as hell app with my god damn shitty-ass 3G and we can find anothe-"

"Get. In." He turns back to face the driver who is now biting _all_ of her bottom lip for reasons he can not discern, looking like someone trying to hold in a loud 'fuck', and barely succeeding. _This should be fun._ "Well, you heard her, let's-" he cuts himself off as he sees Cable already halfway to the rich-person car.  
"Hey, that's my seat!" He shouts as Cable hops in the front and shuts the door.

"Just get in the back." Cable suggests totally unreasonably. Wade called dibs! Sure the future dude and his lack of early 3rd millennia slang didn't know that, but it still counted!

"No; this isn't the '60s and I'm not Rosa Parks." Wade crosses his arms obstinately, but when Cable just rolls up the window he cuts his losses and opens the side door. But not before blowing a nice big wet raspberry in Cable's direction. When he slides in he hears something that sounded suspiciously like 'don't be weird, don't be weird, don't be weird.' Being mumbled by the driver like a mantra.

She then turned around and acted as if she hadn't just been doing something weird. "So how are you two doing this fine evening? I mean day! Or afternoon? Is it twelve yet?"

"We're fine." Cable replies simply.

"And ready to get this freak show on the road!" Wade chimes in. 

"Okay, well my app actually isn't telling me the destination, which is kinda creepy honestly." She mumbles the last part while pulling a Kristen Wig-esque grimace for a quick second. "Where are you two headed?"

"I don't know, ask avocado face here." Cable says, pointing a metal thumb towards the back of the car. 

"I'm taking boo here on his first shopping spree, so-"

He's pretty sure he heard a cracking noise from where he could see the driver now holding the steering wheel in a death grip, so he paused, but when she just said "Uh-huh," with a strained voice, through a grin he was pretty sure she was trying to suppress, prompting him to continue, he gave her the address, which she then punched into her phone's navigation app.

"Alrighty then~ Soon as everyone is buckled we can take off." 

When Cable made no move to do so, probably not even knowing what a seatbelt _was_ , Wade leaned forward and slowly reached an arm around the seat-stealer "What, the fuck, are you doing?" 

"Just leaning in for a smooch, honey bear." He says before grabbing the seatbelt head and pulling, clicking it into place as he sat back in his own seat, and then secured himself, Cable inspecting the weird strap across his body. There was this strange high-pitched squealing noise just then, but Wade couldn't tell where it was coming from - _maybe someone stuck a bomb on the bottom of the car and it was just about to go off, sending the three (or 2 I guess) of us to the afterlife in a cinematic fiery explosion_ \- so he ignored it and went on with his life.  
"So... Mik," he addressed, noticing the freaking _name tag_ she was wearing, in a window reflection, "what are you doing driving people around for breadcrumbs, when you could just sell this beast and retire to Malibu to live the rest of your life sitting on a beach chair sipping culturally appropriated piña coladas?"

"Have you ever done paperwork before?" She asked, checking the mirrors religiously. 

"I try my very best to avoid it actually. Sometimes I even set it on fire."

"If you set the house on fire I'm not putting it out." Cable pitches in.

Just then Wade noticed sweat starting to percolate on Mik's brow (even saw Cable look over at her in confusion), but to her credit her voice came out mostly normal for her next words. "Well I unfortunately can't just set it on fire, since it's my job to do paperwork. Pays extremely well, but it's so boring it makes me want to scoop my eyes out and eat them on toast like Shrek, so I drive people around for entertainment instead so I can keep my vision well intact."

"Ooh, sounds like solid logic to me." Wade responds, then continues to have interesting conversation with Mik for a while, Cable choosing to keep silent for the remainder of the ride, eyes closed. What seems like too soon they are pulling up at their stop.  
"Well, it's been great chatting with you about inane shit, have I paid you yet? I cannot tell." Wade says, scrutinizing his phone as he climbs out onto the sidewalk.

"Oh, don't worry about it; it's pro bono." She waves a hand as if shooing away the notion of payment.

"You sure? Because I'm not exactly short on monies either."

"Believe me, you two already _way_ overpaid. Just not monetarily~" She quietly sing-songs the last part as she watches Cable make his way over to where Wade is.

"Alright, I hope you find a $100 bill on the ground and give it to a hobo then~!"

"Thanks!" She puts her Porsche into Drive, then looks back and forth between the pair of them, then just stares as if burning their image into her very _soul_ , before finally speaking again. "Before I go, I just wanted to say you guys make such a great couple-" she pauses as her eyes suddenly go wide "-of passengershavealovelydaygoodbye!!" Before speeding off way beyond the limit.

_Well, Tell That Mik She Just Made My List of Things to do Today~_ Wade thinks as he looks over to Cable, who just has an intensely befuddled expression as he tracks the quickly disappearing ride. _Looks kinda hot on him actually, maybe I should try to confuse him more often. Oh wait, that would just make it **all** the time._

"... I like her." Wade pipes up when the silver death trap is out of visual distance. "Also, I think the readers should know that she's Asian, because diversity is important." 

"The hell?" Cable asks, tearing his eyes away from the distance.

"By the way, 'shotgun' means the best seat in the house, i.e. the seat next to the driver so you at least have partial control over the windows in these new 'child safe' cars designed by assholes who want to suck the fun out of everything. I need to train you in the arts of the ancient 2010's slang so I can get my good seat."

"I would've taken it anyway."

"But I'm taller~."

"And I have wider shoulders."

"...Yes you do," Wade mutters after a short pause, unable to deny Cable's Dorito-esque shape.

"So where the fuck are we going?"

"Shit! I forgot to bring bags!! Oh wait, that's for grocery shopping. Never mind; we're fine. Just follow me as I follow the yellow brick road~ Hopefully we don't run into any lions or tigers or bears, oh my!" Wade recites as he starts off in the right direction. Hopefully.

Cable looks at the sidewalk ahead of them, then to Wade, eyeing him like he's delusional - _Well, he wouldn't be wrong_ -. "Are you colorblind? There's no yellow _anywhere_ here."

"Yeah, well there's no megafauna either, but you don't see me complaining." Wade counters.

Cable just huffs and gives up by this point, choosing to instead silently follow alongside Wade, which gave the eyebrowless man the perfect opportunity to figure out how they'd get their stuff home. _Hmm, I can totes get Dopinger to pick us and all our junk up afterwards. Or, ooh, idea! Maybe I should have our shit delivered like a fancy person and make Future Dude think that's just how shopping works in this time~ Should be easy to pull the steel wool over his eyes!_  
Next to him Cable seems to be glaring at nothing in particular, or at least concentrating on _something_ real hard, teeth clenched in what appears to be irritation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "May Orion pay you a visit." In the future it's joked that your favorite star will lend its powers to you in the form of destroying things for you, so Cable's saying Wade is so annoying he wants him to die a fiery death. Don't worry though; he's just kidding. Probably. 
> 
> As for the American badger vs European badger thing, I couldn't find the exact image set I wanted to, but this one's pretty close:  
> https://goo.gl/images/3pHXLf
> 
> Their fan girl Uber driver's name is Kim, Wade just read it backwards. (Anyone catch that Fall Out Boy reference, btw?)
> 
> P.S. The more comments and kudos I get on this, the more likely I am to put out another chapter~ *throws flowers out at every lovely one of you*


	3. Show Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who read, kudos and especially commented on my last chapter! You all inspired me to (tear my hands away from the evil, life-consuming game known as Emoji Blitz and) write another one, and I hope you enjoy it!

Wade was looking through a clothing rack at the thrift store he thought he'd pop Cable's shopping cherry at. _Ooh, maybe he doesn't know how style works back now and I can trick him into wearing some fun shit_. Just then he spots a purple jumpsuit that somehow seemed to be in Cable's size. "Hey, you should try this on."

"If you think I'm going to touch that gaudy piece of hell you're stupider than you look, which is saying a lot." Cable said from where he was looking at the normal people shirts. 

_Shit! I don't get to dress him up like a Teletubby and have extremely conflicting and disturbing thoughts about cartoon characters_. "Alright, Mr. No Fun, good luck not being the laughing stock of the town when people see how behind -or ahead?- of the times you are, refusing to wear the latest fashion and everything." Wade goes to put it back, but then gets an idea and holds it up against himself to measure when he hears a sudden "Don't." From the grumpy cyborg not 15 feet away.

"I didn't even say anything!" Wade shouts indignantly.

"Well you were thinking it, and I don't want to be seen walking around with you wearing... _that_." Cable eyes the thing like it was about to start dripping ooze.

"But it matches my beer gut fanny pack perfectly~"

Cable pauses for a second before saying "It's not even your size."

_What? How the fuck could Fullmetal Alchemist tell from all the way over there?_ "I'm sure I could make it fit, give or take a popped seam or two." Wade says, eyeing it suspiciously. 

Cable sends an unimpressed look his way and Wade lets out a guttural groan before putting it back. "Fine!" _Probably would've chafed anyway. And it was $15 for some godforsaken reason! Wasn't this supposed to be a **thrift** store? It's not like the (beautifully) hideous thing was fucking Armani or anything!_ He pauses and checks the tag just to make sure. _Nope! Still overpriced!_ "Onto the next rack!"

-

A few minutes later had Cable holding a nice armful of stuff, saying he was done and ready to leave. "You call that going hog wild? Do you even know what that means? This is more like tiny-little-kangaroo-rat-with-a-headcold wild. Totally missed the point." Wade says as he grabs the stuff from Cable and tosses it into the cart he hijacked not too long ago to dump all his own junk into.

"Can we leave now?" Is all Cable says in response.

"Wait, aren't you gonna try any of that on?" _Before making the irreversible mistake of buying something too loose to show off your knee-shakily amazing... well, everything?_

Cable squints the slightest bit before saying "No; I already know it fits."

"How could you possibly know that? Sizes are pretty fucked up and random in this time." _Old Navy extra small, meet Hollister extra large. #SameThing._

"I just do." Cable grunts.

Hmm, Wade was willing to bet his left ass cheek (his favorite one) that Cable had scanned the stuff with his robo eye to determine its fit. _Le gasp! He must've done the same to me with that jumpsuit. Doesn't that mean he technically checked me out~?_  
"Okay, well unlike _some_ people, _I_ can't magically tell if something is exactly my size or doesn't chafe like a mo-fo, so I'm gonna try my junk on like a plebe, and you can either sit by the exit in the old people seats like a spoil-sport, or you can sit outside the dressing room and watch me put on a show."

"Well, when you put it like that," Cable turns to head toward the exit, but before he can make it more than 2 steps Wade grabs ahold of his collar with one hand, and the cart with the other and Jesus is he _strong_ ; Cable is forced to come along or risk his current favorite shirt tearing. Suddenly he's reminded of how when they were fighting in the Icebox Wade bent a heavy metal bar around his neck with his bare hands, which leads him to wonder how strong Wade actually is. _And why the fuck did he ask if I wanted to watch if he wasn't going to take no for an answer?_

"Come on, I'll make it good~ Even whip out some Magic Mike moves if there's enough room!"

"Do I even want to know what that is?" Cable asks when he's almost finished being more or less dragged across the store.

"Well you're about to find out." Wade says as he grabs a chair and all but shoves the shorter man down onto it.

"Do I have to?" Cable asks, craning his neck to eye the seat near the glass doors of the exit.

"Yes. And you know, people would fucking _pay_ to see Ryan Reynolds try on weird shit at a thrift store, buddy. And I'm not talking chump change either. Do I hear Benjamins calling my name? You are one lucky fucker."

Cable wasn't even going to touch on that one, so—sighing in defeat—he just settled in for the show on the Hello Kitty seat Wade had snatched from what looked like someone's claimed stuff pile and set down in front of the fitting room just for him. "Fine. Whenever you're ready, handsome."

Wade ignores his comment and launches his own stuff into the fitting room, then skips in after it, closing the privacy curtain before popping just his head back out. "No peeking~"

"Wouldn't dream of it." Cable deadpans back, arms crossed.

Not a minute later a foot is opening the curtain near the top, to reveal a shirtless Wade standing on his hands, facing the back wall of the fitting room. He crosses his legs and then uses the momentum of uncrossing them to flip around his upper body - _Well, I give him points for presentation_ \- to reveal a garish sequined bow tie adorning his neck. _Ew_. "What use could you _possibly_ have for that?" Cable asks.

"Are you kidding me?" Wade says as he flips back onto his feet effortlessly. "This piece of art, this Claude fucking _Monét_ " he grabs onto one wing with each hand and pulls it forward for emphasis "would be perfect for parties." 

Cable just stares at him and Wade keeps holding it out until it suddenly snaps with the force. " _Shit_." Wade hisses as it falls to the floor. "I guess it couldn't handle my awesomeness." Then he toes it off to the side to hide under a pile of unwanted clothes while whistling totally conspicuously, and _swears_ he sees Cable trying to suppress a chuckle with a cough. _Point one for Wade~_ "Onto the next one! Don't you go anywhere; just sit there looking pretty."

"Like I have a fucking choice." Cable mutters.

The curtains open again, but this time to a pair of chartreuse overalls that had some questionable stains adoring them. "Vomit inducing." Were the only words that came to Cable's mind, and out of his mouth.

Next up was what appeared to be several tutus tied together in some Frankensteinian-esque fashion (and where did he even _find_ these things?) which looked liked it hurt to _wear_. "Makes me want to tear my own eyes out."

This continued on for several minutes until—head in his hand—Cable looked up once again, but this time instead of a weird sparkly pink leotard with 'juicy' written across the stomach, or something equally as eye-assaulting, Wade was actually wearing something normal: a pair of tastefully faded blue jeans and a heather grey shirt that draped nicely over his shoulders and torso. For reasons he could not fathom the sight made Cable's heartbeat pick up slightly; Wade looked _good._  
"That one's not bad." He settled for as he looked away in what he hoped passed for disinterest.

"Really? Because I was thinking of leaving it."  
That got Cable's attention, who looked back with a raised brow.  
"Just kidding! I'm actually gonna wear it out; my old outfit was starting to smell like cheese. So, sorry to say, but the show's over." And Wade gives a big bow, arms out wide. 

...

"Now don't deafen me," Wade says after a couple seconds of crickets chirping, squinting up at Cable's lack of applause. 

Cable just stares back at him, but when Wade obstinately holds his position for the longest amount of time Cable has ever heard him be silent (a whole 10 seconds), he raises his hands and gives one small clap. Which seems to be enough for Wade, who straightens, "Now that's more like it." and thankfully grabs mostly just the sane items he picked out (most of which he didn't even try on) and dumps them in the cart. 

"Now you may go wait in the old people chair." He dismisses Cable with a one-handed shooing motion when they are finally on their way to the register. Cable rolls his eyes, but takes Wade up on the offer anyway. 

Making himself as comfortable as is possible in the surprising _un_ comfortable plastic chair he looks up in time to see Wade actually jump up and sit on the counter so he can be charged for the pants he's wearing, and lie back languidly to do the same for the shirt, winking over at Cable all the while.

Getting a mere eyebrow raise in response, Wade turned to the cashier to enact the next part of his plan. "So," he stage-whispered to the plumpy cashier with cornrows and neato gold colored beads decorating them, making sure to keep his volume somewhere well below 'outside voice' just in case the Man Of Steel over in the kiddy corner had super hearing or something. "do you guys do delivery?"

"Oh, sure!" She responded, seeming a little too chipper. "Now what toppings would you like? We have sardines, pepperoni, 'does this look like a pizza joint', and 'I don't get paid enough to deal with this'. You can even get it with a side of 'what do I look like, an Uber Eats driver but for clothes?'. And we're also having a special today of 'you can break your back hauling your giant bag of crap back to your toy factory on your own, burn victim Santa'. She finished at the same time she had put the last article of clothing—neatly folded too—into the rather large single bag, impeccable customer service smile in place.

Wow, she was fast in the comeback department. Had she practiced that? "Tell you what? I'll give you 50 buckaroos to hold them for pickup. Whaddaya say, Beyoncé?" He said, holding a folded bill of the right denomination between an index and middle finger.

"Well, when you put it like that," she snatches the pastel blue and red colored note. "I'll put a sticky note on your bag of junk that says not to throw it away until tomorrow, and tell you what: I'll even add a cute little bow." She stuffs it in her shirt before ringing him up.

"Much appreciated, Pocahontas." _Seriously, that's the best I could come up with? All because the darned cornrows made me think of rows_ of _corn, which reminded me of Pocahontas. Not my best work. Good movie though!_ Wade thought as he handed his card over to pay money a second time.

"Have a nice day~!" She sing-songs after she hands him his receipt, which he then eats. 

"You too, Moneybags!" He calls back. _That's a little better_ , he thinks before swallowing the last of the paper. 

"Alright Toots, we can leave now." He says to Cable as he struts through the exit straight past him.

"What about the stuff?" Cable asks in confusion at Wade's apparent empty-handedness when he catches up to him.

"What stuff?" Wade asks as he keeps up his long strides, Cable having to jog slightly to keep up.

"The stuff we _just_ got."

"..."

"That I wasted 12 minutes of my life being forced to watch you try out?"

"Oh, that shit's being delivered. Don't you know how shopping works?" _Speaking of which_ , he pulls out his phone. - **Hey Dope, you up for doing some pick-ups today?** -  
"And those minutes were not _wasted_ , they were _properly utilized_. Just ask the readers; I'm sure they'll agree."

"What are you _talking_ about?" Cable practically growls.

"Also, she was black this time." Wade adds in lieu of an explanation. 

Cable (smartly) just gives up by this point and instead asks "Where the hell are we going now?" 

"I'm glad you asked, because next up is, oh wait never mind, I see a line break coming; guess you'll find out in a minute."

Cable's eyebrow twitches, and he has to resist punching Wade in the throat.

 

~•~*~•~ 

 

Walking out of Forever 21, Wade wears a pink & white trucker hat that says "Don't Touch, #1-800-YOU-WISH" he got from the clearance section, and points to it as he addresses Cable. "This doesn't apply to you, sweet metal-cheeks." And gives a little eyeridge wiggle.

"Aren't I lucky." Cable deadpans, following alongside Wade once again, who also nabbed a few heavily patterned shirts as well as some violently pink tank tops and a pair of beige safari shorts (once again bribing the cashier to hold for pickup while Cable was distracted [read: forced to look at loofahs] since Dopinder had eagerly agreed to pick up 'Whatever it was Mr. Pool wanted', probably thinking they were body parts. _Poor guy was gonna be disappointed. I'll have to make it up to him sometime by having him move an actual body for me. Maybe for his birthday, whenever that was. I'll make a note to ask._ ). 

Cable even got a couple pairs of pants from there that thankfully tapered nicely to hug his legs all the way down. _What I wouldn't give to be those pants. Or **in** them. Either way_. Just then Wade notices Cable is looking a bit more... tired? Worn? Well more _something_ , the cyborg squinting at nothing in particular and all - _hmm, maybe shopping **does** take a lot out of him_ \- and while it is a good look on him - _just like everything else is_ \- decides he could probably use some more nourishment to refuel! He then looks around and notices a Subway in the distance, picking that as their next destination.  
"Well I'm hungrier than a shrew who just realized that diet is just 'die' with a T at the end, so let's go and get some fuckin' eats!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, let me know if you enjoyed! 
> 
> I've actually seen that exact hat at Forever 21. It's amazing. And I own it now. I wear it jogging. 
> 
> Once again kudos, and especially comments encourage me to keep this fic going!


	4. All That and a Bag of Chips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while since I've updated, but I've been super busy recently and even started a 6-week challenge (which I'm 1 week into) where I have to work out 10 times a week, which totally cuts into my free time, but at least I'm getting muscle gains~  
> Anyway, onto what you came here for! Enjoy!

The second they enter the place with all the smells Wade plays La Cucaracha on his phone and shouts "Yo, does Knuckles work here?!" to which he received no reply, aside from a slow head turn, raise of a single eyebrow, and look that conveyed a simple 'why?' from Cable. So, pretty much what he was expecting.

Then Wade decided on another devilishly diabolical dastardly deed "Dirty Dan~" he whispered before snatching one of Cable's hands "Follow the drinking gourd~" and running him over to sit at one of the many vacant tables - _seriously, why does this place have so many tables if they never have more than 25% of them occupied? It's not like it's fucking Rosco's House of Chicken and Waffles, where you practically need a reservation if you don't plan on arriving with a full stomach so you won't be starving by the time they get around to calling your name_ \- so he could order without Cable seeing what he was doing. 

"Let go, or I break it." Cable growls and Wade looks down to see he's still holding Cable's hand. Luckily the flesh one, or his own hand might've already been turned to mush. 

"Take a seat or I'll let you." Wade salaciously smirks back, adding a little eyeridge wiggle for extra effect.

Cable mutters "Jesus," before snatching his hand away and sitting down in the booth. 

"Good boy." Wade would've given Cable's head a couple quick pats if the cyborg didn't look like he would've robo eye lasered Wade's hand off when he moved it closer to that soft-looking tuft of silvery hair. Deciding he didn't feel like regrowing his hand for a second time, he made his way over to the counter, then—having a sudden idea—snags a chip bag and tosses it over to Cable, who catches it easily, but when the cyborg just stares at it - _ooh, must not know how chip bags work, guess I'll just have to teach him then_ \- Wade hops back over, "Here, let me get that for ya." before clapping his hands together with it in between them, popping it and making chips fly everywhere. "Entertain yourself with that while I, the grown-up, order our delectable ambrosia." 

Cable raises a brow at 'grown-up', very much doubting its accuracy, but never-the-less picks up a chip and starts inspecting it like it was a weird bug.

Satisfied the 7 Million Dollar Man ( _he gets an extra million for being way hotter than Lee Majors_ ) was well enough distracted, Wade slides his way over to the ordering counter thing once again. "Don't worry, I'm paying for that." Wade jabs his thumb behind himself at where Cable is now picking a broken chip off his lap and looking at it suspiciously. Then Wade looks up from the bread options he was inspecting to the dude manning the assembly behind the glass. "Oh, didn't see that coming; it's just been women so far." The mercenary mutters. 

"What can I get for you... sir." practically wheezed the lanky fellow who would probably be at least as tall as Wade if he didn't slouch so goddamn much.

"2 plain-ass wheats please,..." Wade squints to read the ratty scum covered name tag adorning the guy's mothbally polo. "Freud."

"Uh, it's pronounced 'Fred', actually."

"Then why the hell is there a U in there?"

"Because my parents were either drunk when I was born, or just assholes." He said in a whispy voice—like talking was hard to do without all the air escaping his lungs—as he grabbed the requested bread.

"Okay, no more speaking lines for you; how about you just hush up and make my sandwiches?" _Which doesn't sound sexist since I'm talking to a guy~_ The slow, slightly out of sync blink he got in response was answer enough for him.

Wade decided the first sub would be pretty normal: a meatball with extra cheese and minimal yucky vegetables. The second though? A.K.A. Cable's? Oh, he was gonna have fun with it~ 

"Veggie patty," _gross_ "bacon," _sacrilegious combo_ "provolone," _yucky old-people cheese_ "all the vegetables," _I already want to barf_ "enough banana peppers and jalepeños to choke a camel," _ouch_ "a bushel of cilantro," _good luck feeling your tongue after that_ "and a _shit_ load of mayo and sweet onion sauce~" _#DrownInIt~_

"And yes, nuke those suckers if you would be so kind." Wade says when the subs are assembled, then spots the giant pile of drink cups and "Brb!" runs a couple 32 ouncers over to the soda dispensers, fills his cup with equal portions of everything for his 'suicide mix', and then... hm, it was nearly impossible to make a mix that actually tasted bad, so what to do with the second one... looking around, a certain word stuck out to him. Literally.  
_Aha! I just thought of the most evilest drink possible~_  
He then proceeds to fill the cup to the top with only... water. And no ice! _Hehehe~_ He swears he grew devil horns at that very moment.

He then pops the lids on and adds straws.  
_And now for the delivery!_ He turns around to see Cable still sitting in his seat, back to Wade, then the cancerous one weighs the drink in his hand before-

 _Think fast!_ He pitches it at the poor, old, unsuspecting- Cable catches it without even looking.  
_What the smelly dog shit?! How did he do that?_

The cyborg then looks back at Wade with a smirk "Thanks." and takes a sip as he faces forward once again.

 _What the snowball in hell? Am I **that** predictable, or is he a freakin' mind reader?_ "I didn't mean _that_ fast." Wade mutters, crossing his arms and pouting petulantly. Then a sudden ding that alerts him the sandwiches are done 'nuking' pulls his attention back to the counter. Giving a huff, he drags his feet over to it while sipping on his mix, eyes catching on the cookie display. _Gasp!_ He plasters his face up against it as he has another idea.

"Ooh, can I get like 10 of those fuckers?" Wade looks up to see that 'Fred' is no longer helping him; instead he was off to the side once again, on his phone with one hand, the other poking at the bread in the oven thing with a pair of tongs. And in his place, staring at Wade, unblinking, with dead eyes and pale-as-porcelain skin was another employee he hadn't noticed until that point. Which was a little bit fucked up considering she looked like she had crawled straight outta some creepy horror film, hair all black as soul, straight and wet looking, and half covering her face.

"Which flavors?" He _thinks_ he hears her say, the words being said so quietly that even with his superb hearing he hardly caught them.

"Eh, just some of everything, Samara." He decides the particular flavors don't matter so much as what he does with them. 

Moving only her arms, she grabs a pair of cookie tongs - _do they have a different pair of tongs for everything in here? Like, even for grabbing and refilling the toilet paper? And then what if they drop it and it rolls all over the disgusting bathroom floor? Wouldn't that take away the whole point?_ \- somehow removes exactly 2 of each of the 5 flavors they currently have, without breaking the unsettling eye contact, then slides them and the sandwiches over to him.

Taking a quick peek behind himself to make sure Cable wasn't looking (he wasn't; just sitting back in his seat with his eyes closed and arms crossed, _sexily~_ ), he unwraps the hot mess he ordered and crumbles 5 cookies in each hand, then smooshes them all into the sauce of the sub, evil smile once again in place. The masterpiece has been created.

Then a sound that felt like a moth flying past his ear comes from the direction of the creepy cashier and he looks up in time to see her mouth halt its minute movements, pretty sure she just told him what his total was. Having not actually _heard_ it though, Wade just pulls out a couple 20s and holds them out to her, but when several seconds pass by and she doesn't make a move for them, he just slowly sets them down on the counter, like he was setting down a banana for a hangry chimp that could attack at any minute and slowly retracts his hand, so as to not make any sudden movements.

Very slowly (and creepily), her arm comes up once again and her hand slowly moves out until it is hovering over the greenbacks and then suddenly slams down on them, eye contact still unbroken. Wade is pretty sure he has started to sweat by this point. She then slowly, creepily, drags it back towards herself and soon slides a few bills back to him, the change coming out a dispenser. 

He grabs the bills and change, and dumps them into the tip jar out of fear, then quickly re-wraps the atrocity so it won't make his cyborg friend suspicious, but before he can turn around, she raises her phone and the brightest light he has ever seen come from a handheld civilian device - _what, did she have a fucking flashbulb attachment or something?!_ \- blinds him for a half second as the creepy one takes a picture of him. He grips the counter to steady himself and blinks the spots away. By the time he can see again she is **gone** , and he just hopes she didn't take part of his soul along with that most likely _incredibly_ flattering picture or anything. _Eh, I could probably regrow it even if she did. Ooh, that would be extremely useful for making Horcruxes. Gotta keep that in mind in case I ever move into the dark wizarding profession._

First checking to make sure Carrie wasn't suddenly behind him or anything horrifying like that, Wade grabs his stuff and heads over to where he left Hot Robocop.

"Why the hell are all the background characters I interact with so weird?" Wade wonders aloud as he dumps the _thing_ on the table, making a big mess of the chips Cable had for some reason organized into little even neat piles, and causing the cyborg's still-closed eyes to fly open at the sudden sound. Then—ignoring Cable's 'really?' glare—he takes a seat and continues. "I mean, the cashier at Forever 21 was actually normal, but that part was skipped over!" Cable raises a brow, but just sets about opening the sloppily wrapped sub, not wanting to get into figuring out what the hell Wade was going on about. 

Wade takes a sip of his drink and tries not to be too conspicuous as he eyes Cable to see his reaction to biting into the sandwich from hell ( _probably gonna spit it in my face and then smash my head through the table, and why does that thought turn me on just a little bit?_ ). He holds his breath as Cable takes a bite and then... another. No reaction. At all. _What the hell? That thing was supposed to singe off taste buds!_ Wade suddenly had that strange feeling in his chest again. _What the hell is the future like that this doesn't affect him?_

" _What?_ " 

Wade was snapped back to reality by the question that was practically growled out by the cyborg squinting at him. Oh shit, had he still been staring? "Nothing," he says casually (he hopes) "just wondering if I could steal one of these without you noticing." And grabs one of the surviving chip stacks, tossing them back like a handful of pills and then biting off a way-too-big chunk of his own sub, some spilling out onto the table when he attempted to chew it all. Cable made a disgusted grimace at the sight. 

_How is he more disgusted with my eating habits than the freakin' food?_ Wade thought that was just a little bit disturbing. 

They both finish off the first half of their subs at the same time and Wade can't stop the giggle that comes out at his next thought. _Heehee, we 'finished at the same time'. What I wouldn't give to do that with him in the bedroom~_ and some perverse images accompany the thought.

Just then Cable chokes on his dihydrogen monoxide, then gives a couple small coughs before reaching for the other half of his sub. Wade's eyes go about as wide as flying saucers as he snatches it and replaces it with the second half of his own meatball sub. "Tradesies!" He exclaims in explanation, but at the expectant stare Cable sent his way he was forced to continue. "Everyone trades halfway through; its tradition!"  
The cyborg babe just raises an eyebrow and tries to look around Wade at the other tables to see if anyone else is doing it, but the mercenary just scoots over to block his view and get his attention. "Now let's see how this mother fucker tastes!" 

Slowly but surely Wade's teeth sink into the frankly disturbing piece of culinary work, and he has to use every ounce of willpower he possesses to keep a straight face at the vile taste that assaults his tongue the instant it makes contact (going to war with poleaxes and mini-guns on his poor, unarmored tastebuds and everything). "Mmm; you got the good one." He manages to say without his voice coming out too squeaky, eyes watering just the _tiniest_ bit. He felt like his brain was about to vomit. 

He grabs a napkin to pretend to dab at his face all prim and proper like, when in reality he's just palming the masticated ball of hell so he doesn't have to do the unthinkable and actually swallow the little devil.  
He then grabs his drink and takes a long drag, swishing it around in his mouth before swallowing, Cable just staring at him all the while. _Shit. I can't handle another bite of whatever the hell this is, what to do, what to do, what to_ \- Just then he has an idea. 

"I need to take a dump." He announces as he stands up abruptly, nearly knocking over the table in his haste (even though it was bolted to the ground). "Oh wait, you're probably a little too from-the-future to know what that means. Let me try a few more. Um, pop a squat, make a deposit in the porcelain bank, pinch a loaf, make an offering to the porcelain throne, build a log cabin, feed the French, make like Snoop and 'drop it like it's hot', drop the property value, drop the kids off at the swimming pool, make a push... oh wait, I got it!" He says with a snap. "I need to shit. You get it now?"

"I understood the first one, asshole." Cable says after looking up from where the table had finished righting itself, tilting his head and crossing his arms. His big, _ripped_ , muscley arms that Wade _really_ had to stop staring at or risk his mind delving even deeper into the gutter than it already had. Time to make his exit! He starts to move to pass up Cable, but a question stops him in his tracks.

"You're taking that with you?" Cable asks, eyeing him like he's nuts (which wouldn't be _wrong_ ).

Wade—absolutely not sweating—replies "Yup! Sometimes I like to eat my delicious food in the bathroom. Helps my shit cycle to ingest _while_ I expel." _Man, I am **so** good at blowing smoke out my ass on the spot_. Cable looks like he's sorry he asked, turning his gaze to look out the floor to ceiling windows by the entrance and just staring into the distance. _Man, if he just put his fist under his chin he would look like The Thinker. He definitely already looks like he's carved from marble._

Wade then remembers what he's suppose to be doing and starts moving toward the bathroom. Not actually wanting to take the sub in with him, he discards the abomination on the way in, throwing it into a conveniently placed trash can and subtly covering the noise with a small cough before entering the cesspool. Now he just has to lay a fat one to make it convincing. 

That and the fact that he actually does need to take a dump, he realizes.

 _2 birds with one stone!_ He thinks as he sits down on the white throne. _Haha, I'm such a genius~_ "Ah shit!" Wade suddenly shouts. _Now I don't get to see his face when he bites into the real one ("because let's face it,_ " he says as he looks toward the camera, " _that horror show I threw away wasn't 'food'") because if I go back now it'll be suspicious. I really dug myself into a hole with this one!_ He sighs as he drops a log, it making a nice little _ploop_ when breaking the surface tension of the liquid in the bowl.  
_Well, at least I can still_ \- "Ah double shit!  
Unfortunately I missed my fucking chance to ever take him to IHOP, because in the time between chapter 1 and 4 being released they went up and changed the goddamn name! Now I'll have to settle with IHO _ **B**_ instead. What in the fucking orange creamsicles in hell is that? Well, I guess, as the saying goes: you snooze you lose." He slumps forward as he resigns himself to his fate.

 

Several minutes later (he got distracted trying to make origami swans out of toilet paper. One of which almost came out as intended, looking kinda like a run-over poodle) he emerges from the urine speckled - _good thing I didn't accidentally bring in my piss detector this time, otherwise I'd be cowering underneath the sink as the deafening wails echoed off the hard tile_ \- room, making his way over to the tables, all the while sporting a lovely (and sanitary) lobster bib. 

First thing he notices when he spots the cyborg mega-hunk is the chapstick in his hand that he is sadly not pulling out of, but putting back _into_ his fanny pack. _Noo, I missed it! Why must I miss out on all the good shit? I'm sorry I complained the first time I saw it, I promise I never will again!_ He thinks as he looks heavenward, lamenting the fact that he didn't get to witness the application this time. But then the movement of Cable smoothing his hair back catches his attention, and after seeing McFly run a hand through that truffala tree silvery pillow of chinchilla-esque bliss, then looking at the folded up piece of ass-wiping material in his own hand, he _knew_ what he had to do.

Using all the skills he had gathered and honed over his many years working as one of the most accomplished mercenaries and elite assassins in the (Marvel) universe, he steps closer and alights the poodle-swan so smoothly—so _delicately_ —there would be no conceivable way Cable could even perceiv-  
Cable smacks it off his head, sending it to an early grave on the crumb-speckled floor. "What are you doing?"

"Uh..." Wade stalls for a couple seconds before shouting "Boy am I stuffed!" While holding out his 'lobster bib' for emphasis. "So, now that you've finished off the second one, what do ya think?"

"You have shit taste." Cable says as he slings his fanny pack over his shoulder and starts off for the exit.

Wade just stares, slack-jawed, at the place Cable had occupied only moments ago. Perhaps the perennial deliciocity of the meatball sub escapes his cyborg friend's mind for some reason. Or maybe he didn't like either of the subs? Wade would ask, but he also didn't want to get found out on his prank, so he just lets it be. "Alright Gordon Rhamsy, I'll pass on your _un_ compliments to the chef!" Wade calls out to Cable while pulling out his wallet. "Who was technically me?" He mumbles to himself before looking over the mess they were leaving behind and deciding how much money to tip the weirdo employees for not cleaning up after themselves so they have more time for their dat- shopping trip outing thingy! He flings a 20 onto the chip-covered surface and walks away, before stepping back into frame and also putting a 100 on the table because he's pretty sure he kind of broke it earlier.

He then skips his way out of the food place to catch up with his cyborg friend, who was nowhere to be seen! What if he got lost, or was kidnapped?! Or-

"Are we done shopping yet?" Cable asks from his ridiculously sexy position leaning against the building right next to the door with his arms crossed. 

"Unnhathebl?" Wade's short-circuiting brain supplies. "I mean, not until you have more than 5 shirts. And at least one with _some_ kind of pattern on it. Come on man, you said no to pineapples, unicorns, and even pugs. _Pugs!_ "

"I don't even know what any of those things are."

"WHAT?!" Wade yells and Cable flinches back slightly at the sheer and sudden volume, picking at his assaulted ear with a pinky and glaring slightly at Wade as the loud-mouth continued at a much lower, (but still definitely not quiet) decibel count. "Omg, I need to take you to a dog park sometime to play with all the little furry assholes, and not the pound. That way I won't be tempted to take all of them home with me. Well, I still would, but the illegality of it would probably be just barely enough to sway me. But only because it's concerning dogs. Anyway haven't you ever heard of the saying 'shop till you drop?'" 

"I think you just made that up."

"Nope! Totally a real thing! Swear to the creator of this fic!" Wade shouts, one hand over his heart and the other up, palm facing outward.

Cable just stares back at him, looking like he'd strangle Wade if he made him look through one more clothing rack. But if they go back home now Dopinder won't have enough time to deliver all their junk. Hmm, oh an idea!

"Okay fine, we can stop for the day; I'll just introduce you to the wonders of online shopping later. Right now though I have something else planned. Ever seen a Marvel movie?"

Cable just raises an eyebrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy mothball, Batman, I wasn't expecting the Subway scene to take up the whole chapter, but I guess it just kind of got out of hand. 
> 
> Also, if I had a nickel for every time Cable raised an eyebrow in my fic I could buy a Quest bar from Grocery Outlet. 
> 
> Also also, if you enjoyed please leave me a little comment saying so! You could even just say "hi". Otherwise I'll think people aren't interested and probably won't continue it~ *Throws cookies to everyone*


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